the path of hers

the strong emotions

2011-05-07T07:03:00.003+08:00

Its been a while....yours truly life has changed 360 degrees...work, relationship, family, personal...:( at this right moment, sadness is the only word that i can think of. :(

Oh Allah....please guide me with strength.....guide me to your path....the test that you are bestowing me is making me crumble....yet at the corner of my lil heart i know these tests i am facing is your gift for me....

Silently, i made a wish every night i could run away from whatever i m facing. Run as far as i could...Just vanish from my own zone....I do not want to face the hideous creatures at work. I am scared...I do not want to carry the responsibility of an eldest daughter...its tiring... I do not want to live her in Singapore anymore....I am surrounded with fake humans and environment. I wanna run away from US. Cos its hurting freaking much.....the emotion turmoil that is engulfing me is beyond description. Carry me away oh Allah to your holy land....Leave me there.....Allow me to cleanse myself....

His words scares me...make me drop still on the ground....all these years of love feels as if its fake...:'( are you giving me your hints and clue ya Allah...cos indeed im clueless...The sandcastles i built in the air throughout the years goes POOF and disappear the moment he pour out his feelings....oh Allah....if he is the one for me, guide me will all the strength to fight for this love.....if he is meant for someone else, guide me will all the strength to let him go...no matter how much i want us, YOU know best ya ALLAH. I am suppressed with all these strong emotions that i feel suffocated....Much as i MISS him, i MISS YOU more ya ALLAH....loads MORE.......

dear, i pray and hope we are meant for each other....i luv ya..but maybe u deserve better....:'(

...............

2010-06-26T08:25:00.002+08:00

Been ages and life has been in a roller coaster ride emotionally. Crying is no longer a solution. Have been stuck in the exact same situation since 2 plus years ago. No longer knows what to hope, expect, plan.....

Sometimes, i wish i have the courage to end things. That i have the bravery of a knight to storm my way out of situation. Instead, i accept what comes my way good or bad looking as if i am perfectly fine. Helpless.

Slowly, we are fading.. Wilting and not blooming.

" I strong feel you are pushing me away. That hurts me more...."

my rants

2010-03-20T23:00:00.004+08:00

There are times when i want to ask WHY. The many why that is running thru my mind. I want to question all the things that has happen and had happen without me expecting. Every single time i will be overwhelmed with strong emotions and even feel that life is unfair to me. Very unfair indeed.
I did things i am not supposed to do or rather i should abstain from doing. Sometimes i feel i am goin crazy and i will use an imaginary barricade to block myself from having any contact with human beings. I wonder what is happening to me. It can't be menopause cos i am not at that stage, yet. It couldnt be PMS either.
I worry abt death that may come any time. About when i am going to be the expected muslimah that i should have been. About work. About how long do i need to endure this relationship. About why he hasnt come to his senses yet. About being left on the shelf when i am supposed to be married. and the list goes on. I fear of going to the doc to have a check up to see if my body system is well and fine.

What is wrong with me??

BUt deep down, i know what ever that is happening are all test from HIM the almighty. It is just being the imperfect human that i am, i fall into the trap of syaitans callings.

There are times when i want to leave everything behind and start a new life a new journey. But every single time i fail to do so.

I am so confused.

" Dear Allah, please guide me..."

I

2010-03-08T06:43:00.002+08:00

I am disappointed.

I am feeling the heartache.

I feel like giving up.

I don't know what to do.

I am confused.

I am scared.

I fear.

I ask why it happen.

I may lose everything after all this while.

I want to cry but tears just won't flow.

Allah, to you i pray, to give me all the strength i need.

2009-12-19T21:54:00.002+08:00

19.12.09, Saturday.

"I wouldn't say i am not waiting for your call. I am not hoping for it too. When you did call, you asked about whether i made have made payment and i answered truthfully that i have done it.

That was our conversation. Nothing more. How boring. I wish you would ask more though.

I didn't bother to ask your whereabouts. Usually, i would. I have no idea why i didn't. "

the more

2009-12-08T07:28:00.004+08:00

The more i chased for it, the more its runs away from me.

I learn not to hope.

I learn not to expect. but i can't help it. I like to plan which in turn make me expect things. MOst of the time, things that i hope for, doesnt turn out. why do i still hope then? and i wonder why.

the happy sunday

2009-12-07T08:08:00.003+08:00

I have always loved weekends. DIdnt get to meet my loverboy as he had his reservist duties. And so he planned to meet me on Sunday. yes He was the one planning. It is so rare that he will do the planning or the one initiating to do so. I was happy of course when he said so but deep within i tell myself not to hope so much. Sometimes we plan but somewhere along the way many things happen.

But oh well happy i was that it happen. We met and it was one of the SWEET-est day. He was being the friggin sweet boy with his endless teasings, making me laugh, hugging me so closely and whispering in my ear telling me his duties for the past few days and so on........

Thinking about it, just make me feel like a happy girl who have just fallen in love.

6 years ago, it was the same guy who make my heart skips a beat and it was the same guy who make me feel so determined to fight for the love throughout all these years. It hasnt be a bed of roses cos we stumble upon issues and matters which makes us cry in despair. Despite that, i will still find myself to return to his side and walking hand in hand with him.

I pray to Allah if he is the one for me, give me the strength and will to fight for it. Thank You Allah.

Ku menyaksikan dedaun kekeringan

Gugur ke bumi gersang tiada penghuni

Tiada mentari, awan kesuraman

Bagaikan waktu yang terhenti

Ku menyaksikan seraut wajah cinta

Yang kehampaan tiada lagi bermaya

Kini kehilangan sebuah harapan

Bagaikan cinta yang terkubur

Adakah mungkin untukku menghindari

Gurisan kasih luka dihati

Jiwa ku resah apakah kesudahan

Kecewa atau pun bahagia ooo...

Ku yakinkan diri demi rindukan

Penawar hanya dari wajah kekasih

Walaupun rintangan datang menduga

Kutempuhinya kerna cinta membara

Ooo... mimpi yang indah

Jelmalah dalam nyata

Wajah - wajah kekasih

Ku mengharapkan ikatan kemesraan

Antara kita akan terlaksana jua

Walaupun impian dalam kekaburan

Ku yakin padamu oh tuhan

wed.

2009-12-02T08:15:00.002+08:00

I just realize there is a barrier between me and everybody. and what barrier is that? I have stop confiding in people that matters. Not that do not matter anymore. Its just that i do not want to talk about it. Things have been happening for way too long and deep inside i am running out of fuel to keep on moving. Times when i feel like crying, i will just stare at the wall. Times when i feel devastated, occupied myself with positive things that i can do.

I have no idea when its going to end. Every single day, i wish my fate would change.

Dear Allah, please guide through this tough journey. :(

hmmmm

2009-11-16T07:56:00.003+08:00

Yesterday was just an awesome day. Feels so good to be around the cuzzins chatting and teasing each other. Many2 more to come please. Oh yah...should i be a True Fitness member or not? hmmmmm

The concert is finally over.

2009-10-24T15:39:00.002+08:00

Alhamdulilah. Concert done!!! Today was the big huge enormous day for me and my children. God knows How Friggin Surprised i am when the big boss flatter me and was all praises about my concert item. HOw could i not when i felt that the item was such a letdown right from the beginning when i face so many rejections with my idea....it seems that i could open a RECYCLE shop with all my creations and handmade props. Goodness gracious!!! To top it up, all of these was being done during the time i was friggin stressed with Course stuff. Oh how i felt like crying everyday during those days. My mind was ever busy with so many things be it small or big. The only reason that kept me going was the mischievous group of children under my care. They prove me wrong with my stupid thinking (at the beginning of the year) that they are not capable of being independent and that they will be one boring lot of kids. And i am so wrong about it! Children, from the bottom of my heart, i thank you for making me realize how biased i am. and now, i love you kidz. minus that boy tho. I do not know why i just can't accept him, yet.

So the concert went so smoothly and now i can't wait for the DVD. Kids, You make me proud. Back to my big boss praises, it seems that she went around telling others she like my item! So that must be true aint it? ahahha....i am flattered but oh well, i just smile it off. Like what the rest of the colleagues says, "Its your grand finale ida. Before your leaving."I hope its true. Its time for me to change environment. Kids will change and i have to deal with the separation, which i hate. God help me with this please.

To my childhood fren,
Its your engagement today!! Raudhah Sufiah. You are one little girl i wont forget. I hope this engagement will lead to an everlasting marriage soon. Chiayoh. My presence is being missed:( i know but my prayers is with you aite dear. We will meet up soon. hugzzzz..

I am disappointed with you.

suffocating

2009-10-22T07:15:00.002+08:00

It is so suffocating that tears trickled down my cheeks on the way home. Speechless with the reaction i got. Indeed i am tired. And i am starting to wonder am doing the right thing for us? Is everything worth it? What can i say....

:((((

Waterfalls tots

2009-10-19T23:00:00.002+08:00

The tots today runs like waterfall. How tiring and vexing it is. Tmr is my big exam!! After that, yoohoozzzzzz. Officially, my course has ended. yippe ya ya. ANyws, there are a few things i wanna do.

> Head to west coast park.
> Sushi galore
> Movie marathon
> Visit to henderson waves
> Jog a distance
> Join Pilates.yoga
> Chill by the sea
> Go sentosa

but when?

will it

2009-10-19T07:08:00.002+08:00

Will it be the right thing to do?

What should i do?

So many things in the mind.

Why do i feel i am alone amidst all?

my saturday

2009-10-13T07:24:00.003+08:00

Saturday - HEad to kak linna wedding at jurong west. Red and white theme with a simple dais. I love it still. SOmetimes its the simplicity that exudes the feeling of warmth and love. I missed witnessing her nikah in the earlier part of the day though. Anyways, Selamat Pengantin Baru Kak and of cos a very Happy Birthday to you. Her Journey in love touched my heart and i pray she for her happiness in this marriage that she has been yearning for.

After the wedding, the frens and us went jalan raya-ing. I was clad in pink with bf and coincidentally kak ct and partner too wore the same color as us. haha..Kpoci ah. but I lioke~ so cute. Went to her house, then my bf house, then her bf house that is all the way at Tampines. LAst but not least to another fren house. We dont feel welcome at the last house due to i duno why. Something is wrong with the owner. Heck. The moment we get out from the house, we head st8 to KAk ct house to change our baju. yessa. Like finally cos i am already itching and feeling uncomfy. After everyone had changed, we head to Fen's sister wedding place. To see her dais and mamam. I have no idea how much i have gained after all those makan. tsk tsk. Chill at the place and talk cock. Not really talk cock ah. Much to berangan taik ayam nak kawin. I hope its sometime soon. *prays hard*.

And wat can i say except that i love their company so much. ok cont later. chows

idiot....

2009-10-09T21:37:00.002+08:00

Everybody is sucking up my blood ordering this and that. The mind keep on muttering, Endurance, endurance. urghh like seriously i feel friggin irritated. I dont understand people who are not professional in their work.What the heck.

ANyways, i dont care with who i am going but i wanna go Sentosa!!!

random

2009-10-08T23:28:00.002+08:00

Send me off to a short get-away cause thats what i need and i pray you realise it. If not, just say you love me will you?

I dont understand why people are not professional in their field of work. Frustrated with these kinda stupid idiots. God forgive me.

3rd oct

2009-10-05T07:26:00.001+08:00

3rd oct has passed.

I have turned a year older.

and hope a year wiser too.

Afterall, its the spending time with you that matters.

Earthquake

2009-10-01T07:27:00.001+08:00

Emotionally i am affected by the earthquake that hits yesterday. Its Children Day today. While other kids in Singapore celebrates their day, many kidz life are lost in the disaster. My deepest sympathy to the affected families where ever they are.

:((

time flies away

2009-09-30T07:16:00.002+08:00

Time flies and its 30th september today. That only means my 6th year anniversary has passed like 2 months ago. Fasting month is over. Hari Raya mood is still on. Big Exam is in the process. And tmr that is 1st of october is Children Day!!!!! I love children day and celebrate it like nobody business. hahah....I don't give a damn to what others say but i am not embarrassed to say I am a kid,still at heart. Sometimes the way i behave with my silly antics will let people wonder whether i am a 4 year old kid trap in a adult body..:) Since i am in charge of the celebration Tmr for the kidz, i am so gonna let them enjoy their day. Yippee....the biggest problem now is, i have yet to purchase anything for them. tsk. Tonite i shall head somewhere to buy.
After that, im gonna turn errrr 20plus plus years on saturday. Time really flies~Have always felt that i am 20 or even 21.and then it stops there. haha...denial. Woohoo......

the fact

2009-09-29T07:16:00.001+08:00

"The fact is I miss you and i don't deny that. Sometimes, too much then i could handle."

The torturing moments at work

2009-09-25T18:55:00.004+08:00

Wednesday nite was totally uncalled for. No idea if the food consumed was 'poisoned' or what cos i vomited every single thing out. Nothing was digested and i hate the feeling of having food coming out from the throat and nose like water sprayed out from the merlion. It wasn't once or twice but 4 times to be exact and it happens throughout the night. What the heck rite? I didnt get to sleep soundly and seriously i am pissed. What's worse is I have to be at work on thur no matter what cos the kidz are gonna have their full dress rehearsal. Nice timing?&*%^$^&^

At abt 6plus a.m, i was comtemplating to be absent from work or proceed and endure till 12 pm. I chose the latter and tried my very best to be awake and alert throughout the whole event. Right after the rehearsal and the children has settled down, i was too lethargic to even move a centimetre. I didnt't intend to take a short nap but i did w/o me KNOWING. Read that i didnt know. I just fell asleep. Minutes went passed and then i heard, " IDA!" i was jolted out from sleep and i could catch several INSTRUCTIONS from the supervisor before she walk out. Inhumane bitch. Fine. So i wake up and attempted to complete my work when i felt like vomiting which i
did. And those inhuman creatures did not even bother to ask my well being but instead got me to sit in the office and bombard me with all sorts of questions, refraining me from quitting.

I wasn't even prepared or in the right state of mind to be questioned. Told myself that i wouldnt relent and i did just that. I have no wish to stay next year. SO what if i don't get to go into sociology? So what if i don't get to be a social worker? SO what if i have to undergo the uncertainties of getting a dream job? SO what if i have to adapt to a new environment with new kidz? At the very least, i am free to do what i want and make my own choice. I guess i have endured enough. The last few months widen my eyes and thots on how they take advantage of me. Yes i gain skills and i thank them for that but no i do not want to be bullied anymore. Selfish is the right word for them. So the day end with me feeling rotten emotionally and physically.

Friday which is today came. Again i was comtemplating to take MC or just proceed to work. Being the NICE me and THINKING about others, i went to work. We were supposed to have HARI RAYA CELEBRATION for the kidz but i WASNT in charge. The In charge was new and out of goodwill i shared the ways carry out the cbration and all. I was once like her, a newbie. Okay fine. AT the very last minute, i was told and get to know: 1) SHe did not call my senior teacher to inform abt the cbration. 2) She did not prepare anything at all for the cbration. Nothing. 3) She called in at 8plus am to inform she was sick but my other senior teacher forced her to come in first.
4) When the cbration was about to start, she went off to see a doctor, and so she claimed.

Now, we are colleagues and there isnt any need to SABO me like that. COS i had to take her place for the cbration and everything was so much impromptu. Please lah if we ourselves don't appreciate and show the meaning of our very own festive, who else? I have absolutely nothing to aid me with the cbration other then the cookies that I brought and the ones that my two kidz brought. I feel like crying there and then, sad that others treated me this way and sad that my festive was treated lightly. At that instant moment, i wish feedah and nisa was there to help me. Or even Siti or Geetha. I wasn't well but i braced myself and think for others. In return, everything went down to waste. Not even an apology was uttered. and i don't need such a colleague much less a fren. Irresponsible. This kinda thing didnt happen once fyi and coming from the same person is just so fcked up.

What day!

what is it?

2009-09-22T23:12:00.003+08:00

Hari Raya was alright.

Yummy food in the tummy.

Saw the cuzzins tho not all.

Hug nenek gave her a packet.

Malam raya went out with the usual culprits.

Still, i felt something is amiss. What is it? i wonder.

I am looking forward for several things though.

sigh.

wen it happens

2009-09-16T06:06:00.003+08:00

I am having the days of my life past few days as i am on Annual leave. Thinking about things that matters and is so in need of my attention. Spending those lil times with my loverboy is priceless and i want more and more of it. So far life has been pretty good for both of us. Insya'Allah all the way. I miss those 'animals'friends of mine and the late nights. But lets understand this. It's ramadan and we got to respect it. Peace no war.

Aidilfitri is just few days away and i am looking forward for the finger lickin good dishes. :)) This year raya feels different with the happenings that took place last week. and i think among us all, that girl of mine is the most affected person. What can i say? Life goes on.....be forgiving for the sake of Allah... the unfairness is a message saying 'we can stand on our own despite people stepping on our head' Cheer up. Don't forger our your treat for me at Sakura k. :))

I miss my lil pri sch girls which are not that lil animore. :) Everybody seems busy but hey we make time okay.

Others, For me.

2009-09-11T00:02:00.000+08:00

For others, their foundation, eyeliner, lip balm and lotions are a necessity in their handbag.

For me, my ointment (minyak cap kapak), baby johnson powder, comb and painkillers is a must.

Others touch up whenever they face the mirror.

For me, i see if my hair is clipped neatly.

Others dress up for a date with the boyfriend.

For me, grab any comfy shirt and bottoms & off i go.

Others eat with such feminine gestures with the bf.

For me, happily eating the food and chatting as if i am having a meal at home.

Others tries hard to impress.

For me, i can be extremely chatty but i can be extremely quiet n reserved too.

Others, go for high tea, coffee talks at a restaurant, shopping for branded goods.

For me, i rather be in the zoo wit the animals, or the library reading books, or at geylang jalan2 cari makan.

Sometimes i wonder, am i weird?

Sometimes i feel out of place with other girls. Cox i have nothing to talk about when they start talking about make up, boys, clothes, sex, and the associates.

Sometimes, vulgarities is their 2nd language and i don't like it. I just smile and walk away.

Sometimes, they shared experiences about clubbing and i have no interest to know. So i keep mum and shuddup.

Perhaps, i am just uniquely ME. perhaps.

Please.

2009-09-06T23:24:00.003+08:00

The big goal is much more important.

Patience fyra patience.

The saturday tots

2009-09-05T21:53:00.000+08:00

Final Destination was somewhat lame! Since the love wanted to catch it, there i was in the cinema comfy seat at Marina. I was much more excited about the 3D effect rather then the show. Jakunism!Anyways, went to catch it with sweet and her love. Sweet, bila nak iftar together2? Next week?

I was just thinking should i take a break from work at the end of the year and just laze around? But the tot of being one lazy girl just irks me. Indeed i am still sore about the fact that i am unable to enroll myself in Uni but that is not a good reason to stop doing what i enjoy, being around children and rendering services to the needy. hmmmm....Dear Allah, please guide me.

Tmr, i think i am going to endure the scorching sun with my sis just so to get the baju. Something that i dread. why? The mum use to tailor made for us siblings and we will always grumble and curse and swear how we do not like the color, designs and all but will still wear it on the first day of raya. Looking back, i wish mum resume that role again. pretty please. Cause i don't like the idea of buying OUR raya clothes - off the rack. Though we girls, somewhat no longer agree with her perception on how a baju kurung should look like, i am sure we will be thankful that we do not need to brace the crowd in geylang just to find one that caters and suits our likes. Imagine, 4 girls which differs in their views and fussy trying to find one baju kurung that all 4 likes. We use to lament and want to purchase our baju kurung off the rack when the mum had tailor made everything and we get what we want, we no longer wants it. Irony? That's life. Or rather that's human.

Tmr is sunday. Dear love will be working.

HAppy Teachers Day

2009-09-01T01:05:00.002+08:00

Today was teachers day cbration. I didnt know why but throughout the celebration i feel something missing. And maybe i miss those times when i first joined the centre. My first celebration, my kidz, and the atmosphere is simply different. I miss the old company or rather i am gonna miss all these? I am planning to leave the place for a better or new experience. I plan, Allah decides. Insya'Allah. Happy Teachers Day to me and to all educators out there. I remember a Cikgu said this to me (somewhere ard this line)....

" Kawan ketawa ramai tapi kawan menangis susah nak dicari. Pilihlah kawan yang betul...."

I hold that very dearly up till now. His words were indeed very true. and becos of that the word kawan holds such a dear meaning. Cikgu Sazali Sahri, that's his name. Thank You. No words can depict my thankz to you.

And i wish all the teachers a big heartfelt thank you for all the guidance.

Since there wasn't any class today and the love one is working, i decide to meet my twin sis from a diff mum and dad. No idea why but i just needed to be in her company. We don't even need to share any deepest feelings or gossips cos just her company is more then enough. It's the presence that matters. and so when she ask me to join her n her bf for break fast at their abode, i agreed. Your cooking don't really sucks lah dear. next time, we cook together aite? *shuckx* :) Nak masak ape eh? kita dera sep uhz. Lets make up for the lost time. oh yahz, i love sep's house ok. hehehe....jemput lagi eh..

Oh yahz, the love one has move house. So very near to me. Thank You dear Allah. I am so happy. love one, work hard towards our goal okay?

you and me

2009-08-30T06:48:00.000+08:00

Imagine me and you~....:))

Maybe i fell in love with you the moment i set eyes on you....maybe~

I wouldn't say i can't live without you.

It's just that your company, your smile and your presence makes me a happy girl.

Say that u feel the same way too. :)

2009-08-29T07:33:00.000+08:00

Welcome saturday with big open arms. The past few days has been a breeze, alhamdulilah. With the cool weather for fasting, nothing more i would like to ask for. Other then the news that got my emotion runs wild for a moment,all other things either carve a smile on my face or make me laugh. Alhamdulilah.

After the heartbreaking reply from the institution, i have been thinking and i remind myself not to give up and take things as it is. I will find some other way no matter what it takes. The lecturer told the class yesterday,

" Great leader will undergo great obstacles."

I thank Allah for allowing me to see that lil glimpse of light in the dark dark tunnel.Take things easy and think rationally.

On a side note,

I watched the show Bukan Bidadari from youtube. About a happy family which falls apart due to the husband who finds comfort in another woman. His reason is for a guy to be having that bit of fun for the all the stress that he went thru is normal. He wants to have fun yet he will not let the wife go cos he loves her and their children, still. Finally the wife decides to take leave only to return to the marriage after realising that she acts rashly.

A marriage is for a lifetime and so i believe, no matter what. Insya' Allah.

urghhh

2009-08-27T23:57:00.000+08:00

For a fact, i still can't absorb the harsh reality. urghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is suffocating

2009-08-26T23:23:00.000+08:00

:(

They replied to my e-mail stating i am not eligible for the course. Reason? Because i do not possess a diploma from one of the govt school. Why such barrier when i learn and studied whatever the poly students did. Sacrifices were made just so i could study and obtain the bridging certificate and all i get in return is the un-ability to enrol myself. How disappointing. How upsetting. It so hurt. What are private schools for anyway? Up till now, the hard fact just do not seem to sink in. :'(

:(

My boy and girl have fly off to Shanghai and won't be back for quite some time. I am already missing them. :( sigh.....

:(

My boss cares about nothing except $$.

:(

Its the feelings matters.

2009-08-12T23:28:00.002+08:00

Tireddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

Class was as usual boring and so my mouth was doing all the work munching non-stop while the ears just refused hear whatever the lect has to say. You will be like me too if you were in my shoes. tsk tsk. To make things worse, since MY school is gonna move to Cecil street in about two weeks time, we have to cramped to a smaller class as our usual class is under renovation for the new tenant. No proper table or chairs. urghhh....I am so counting days to move in the new school that will be located at RAFFLES PLACE. *pray hard that it will be next week*

While munching away and staring into space tho my face pretended to be paying attention, my mind went fast forward this weekend event!!! I can't wait....lotsa foodies and the breeze of the sea is calling me....soothing and calming. This time round it is going to be extra special since My sweetpie and bf is going to join us!!!! Bestnye~*insert upin voice* I miss them. And so while thinking about it, i realise that we have been lacking of dates or just meeting up for no prior reason. Sweet, please move back to jurong will u? tsk. as if you are oversea eh. anw, Thank God that bf of hers is one great guy who will take good care of her. I can't wait for october to end. Cause that means i have more time in hand for our dates. :))) and you Nurul JAnnah binte Sahar, make sure you have and plan something nice for my birthday eh. :p U have plenty of time to plan. *winks*

On another note, there is this girl whom i used read: USED to adore and love the friendship between us. That was like many many years ago. Though the friendship lost its essence along the way, i always regarded her as my bff. The heartwrenching part is she call me names, humiliate me, disregard my feelings and many more that is associated to the earlier, throughout the years. I told myself that maybe she is angry with me for only God knows what my fault was. I have always wanted to amend our friendship but she refused and even do not acknowledge me as her friend. How humiliating aint it? Sounds and look stupid. But being me, i disregard all those words and be positive. In fact i hold on to the fact that one fine day she will change her attitude. However, what happen on Saturday 7th august, was just too cruel and somehow i woke up from my illusion. Her words was like a stab in the heart. This time i rebutt and defend myself. U have been humiliating me all these while just becos i hold on to the friendship which i assume still exist. Your words on that very day are just too much. I made it clear to her that we are just sisters in islam and nothing more. I no longer want to amend our friendship after that incident. All these years, i survive without you. I have my dignity and you are not worth it anymore. It took me so many years to realise that a crystal once broken will never be the same again no matter how you fixed it. We are just like that. So you lead your life and i will lead mine.

Friends value their friends dignity.
Friends respect each other even if they have different views or opinions on a matter.
Friends are honest to each other about their flaws and accept each other SINCERELY.
Friends complement each other.

So goodbye to you...

I am not without flaws but i respect others even during the time when i speak my mind. In harsh words, please get lost. In nice words, Thank you for the friendship we shared b4.

Oh yahz.....i miss my mahjong how eh? But i dont have time to play. tsk tsk.

HAppiness happiness.

2009-08-09T17:17:00.010+08:00

8th August is so fun and awesome. I am so happy. VERY dat is. I went to Rentak Singapura with the jalan - jalan girl and i am sure her happy gilz(nisa word for happy giler) is still lingering up till today. Who will not eh nisa? *grinning* Next year on eh? hahah....I so love it lah sey.

This man below just make me go awwwwww so romantic.....his charm and humble-ness is worth my praise. When he sing, i didnt go craZy or whatnots but instead my eyes were glue-ed on him and i could feel the sense of warmness in his voice. I wonder if mesmerize is the right word to use. It was my first time watching him live anw...

The idols!!!!

I love him.period.

I will trade anything for him.:)

The even which make me sleep so well at night.

My all time favourite performer.

This children wanted to cam-whore after their tea time and they are "abusing'me. 7th august was our celebration and i enjoyed myself with the kidz practically. Their antics and cutesy faces is just adorable. My silly face all for them. hahah

to be continued.........

The 2 incident

2009-08-06T23:09:00.000+08:00

1st incident

Sat with the K1 class during tea time and conversation were going on between us when a fav girl of mine asks,

Girl: Miss ida, do u like all-body in k1?
A friend of hers interrupted her and said,
friend: Not all-body lah..it is Everybody..
Girl: Oh yah...Do u like everybody miss ida? ( and she was making the cutesy face)

I smiled and answered,

Me: What do you think?:))

2nd incident

I was having tuition and was explaining to the boy on creating sentences when suddenly i saw tears rolling down his cheeks. Of course i was puzzled.

Me: What's wrong with you? Are you not okay?
Him: *tears rolled faster*
Me: Do you need me to call your mother?
Him: *shakes head*
Me: *looked at him and getting more puzzled* Tell me whats wrong?
Him: Because you talk so loudly!!! * with his expressive face*
Me: hahahahahahahahhahahaha i was laughing so hard that he look so stunned by my laughter...

I didn't realize but upon hearing his reason, i was to tickled.

NO more fear

2009-08-05T19:56:00.002+08:00

After today, i no longer fear the dentist. :) Finally~~~~

I miss my lil baobei in school.

Fruitful tuesday

2009-08-05T00:21:00.002+08:00

I was looking forward for the evening ever since i woke up in the morning. Woke up early, and iron whatever that needs to be ironed and head out for work. Of cox after bathing and all. While at work, for once i guess i do not feel the need to msg-ed him. Thats something new for me at least. Maybe i was too caught up with work or because i just don't feel the need to? I have no idea. *shrugs*

Evening class went on smoothly. It was my first class and i had thought that i would get a very strict leader but nope. I was wrong and though it was not so interactive kind of class, i enjoyed it all the same. The teacher is a young man who i believe is very knowledgeable with __________. I think i will enjoy the upcoming lessons as he goes deeper and more detailed with the topics. As i walked from my workplace to lakeside, i was thinking. In the five weekdays i have, i will have to travel to and fro to the east for a minimal of 4 out of 5 days. Am i sure of this? and the good side of my voice in the head answered, "last few years, i could drag my whole body 3 days a week all in the name of knowledge. Why not now? Its just another day and it is also in the name of knowledge. It will last for few months, that's all. " If i really want it, i should work hard for it aint it? and so, while on my way home, i told myself to enjoy every bit of it cause whatever i am doing now will reap rewards in the future. Insya'Allah. At the very least, i am not wasting my time doing nothing.

Btw, someone i know is getting married this october. Insya'Allah. Another just got engaged. and another is pregnant. I am surrounded with all these good news and a friend just asked me yesterday, "when is ur turn?" tsk. Hated that question. Cause no matter how much i want to, and i plan, if its not my turn yet it will not be right? I have no ans to it other then, Insya'Allah.

Cause insya'Allah means if Allah allows to.

* reminder: Drop everything when its time to follow HIS commandment cause the world is temporary while HIS is everlasting. ( i am guilty as charged)

Something gone, something came

2009-08-03T22:56:00.000+08:00

Haiyah....$$$ just gone like that. All in the name of seeking knowledge.
Anyways, like finally i have made the Appointment. Its this wed. tsk. Scary~~~
Tmr is the first class of ______________________ with _______. :))) What more can i say other then Thank You Allah.

Insya'Allah.

I wanna have dinner with sweet. but when eh?

1/8/09

2009-08-02T05:04:00.000+08:00

A splendid Saturday with the favourite people.

A geylang trip with him and hajah maimunah late lunch was yummylicious. Toko Warisan kidnapped us for quite sometime. :))

Meet up with the sweetpie was and will always be joyous. An impromptu date to catch the fireworks with my favorite couple is the bonus for today. I miss them already.

Later at night, merepek session with the usual Doraemon family.

I don't need loads of so-called friends nor loads of so-called company. Sufficient for me is enjoying the company of the love ones and the blessing of Allah.

Thank You Allah.

Jodoh

2009-08-01T06:24:00.000+08:00

Firstly, ever since i watch Syurga Cinta, i havce changed my mind and seriously do not mind a metro-jiwa-jiwa kinda guy. Nini, please get this st8 - not raimy type. Itu aku terajang jauh2. :) Wouldn't it be very sweet to have a guy who respects you and shower you with words of love that do not harbour any lust kinda msg? Lust here do not mean sex btw. Okay i know i am So infatuated with Awal Ashaari character in the show. *i wish i am the girl in it*. Masya'Allah sumone please knocked my head.

Read this,

Yang ketiganya, Jodoh Dari Allah. Kamu tidak mengetahui siapa jodoh kamu, lalu kamu istikharah meminta petunjuk dari Allah, lalu Allah kurniakan kamu petunjuk dan kamu bulatkan tekad lalu kamu meminang. Yang dipinang juga beristikharah selepas dipinang, lalu jika dia pun mendapat petunjuk dan bulatkan tekad, lalu menerima pinangan kamu. Langsung kamu bernikah. Lalu kamu jaga keluargamu hingga akhir hayat, lalu kamu menemui ajal. Kemudian kamu dimasukkan ke alam barzakh dan yang mengikut kamu hanya iman dan amalan kamu saja. Jika baik, maka bersenang kamu dalam kubur. Lalu dibangkit semula kamu di Padang Mahsyar, kemudian kamu menerima buku catatan dengan tangan kanan. Dan melintas titian sirat sepantas kilat. Dan masuk ke syurga tanpa hisab. Itulah SYURGA ALLAH yang tidak ada tolok bandingnya dengan segala kenikmatan di dunia ini. kamu kekal di dalamnya buat selamanya.

next few days.

2009-07-30T07:30:00.000+08:00

Friday: No class due to i duno what.

Saturday: I want to catch the fireworks.

Sunday: Tuition and geylang can?

I am still learning not to hope for things cause hoping means chances of being disappointed. Better to let nature take its course.
Note to self: Believe that Allah is fair and just. I am sure he is.

happy plus

2009-07-29T07:19:00.000+08:00

Alhamdulilah. The much awaited reply has responded. So come, tuesday, i will have class and to the east i will go. Insya' Allah. This also mean i need more new attire in my pathetic wardrobe. :) So maybe i will head to ________________ this weekend. I like it though its far away from my home and workplace. I am very sure its worth it.

Yesterday, Nisa text me to inform that she has get hold of the Tix to ________________________. Best tu~~~~ It has been a long long time ever since i went to such event. Nisa, with this i am going to give u a title - My Jalan-jalan girl.:)) And remember our plan before end of august! I need a protection gear just in case one of the animals catch me for their dinner. *jauhilah* :)

Oh officially today, i have never ending datelines to be met and i have yet to feel stress about it. Let's just be calm about it. No use fretting. lalalalallalala

Ponder: If a fiance ask for a break up with his fiancee for another girl he has known for only a short period of time, what is it called? Bus3rd?

The morning which isnt so blue.

2009-07-27T07:20:00.003+08:00

Morning...its monday and i am not really dragging myself to work. In fact i look forward to reach the workplace and disturb the little ones. What i am not looking forward is the undone work load. chet. Benci benci benci.

Yesterday, before i went to sleep, i remembered that i saw a friend of mine whom i used to be so close to on saturday. Read the word, used to. When i saw her, my first instant reaction was to call out her name. Since we are a distant away, we didn't exchanged much convo. As i look at her walked away, i was embalm with a bit of emotion in me. A feeling of sadness hits me in fact. I asked myself much later, why on earth should i be sad. I have moved on long ago isn't it? I quickly brush the feelings away. indeed i did. I no longer want to have any negative emotion. At least, we were once close. That matters more. Hope she is happy wherever she may be.

Okay i'm off.

Sunday today

2009-07-26T21:21:00.002+08:00

NDP yesterday was super awesome!!!! Fireworks are fabulous. Nisa, i am so sure you enjoyed it didn't you? :) Zimah, please retract the sentence that there are abg hensem in the police force or something like that. I didn't spot any. Bf, thank you for your presence and company though you are not well. I appreciate it lots. We met his friend and fiance, so we sat together. Pictures will not be uploaded so soon because i purposely don't want to...:p why? no reason.haha

Few minutes ago, i just enrolled myself in a _________________. It is time anyway. Somehow, before applying, i hear a voice in me saying the venue is too far, will i have time for this and maybe i will be bored. Masya' Allah. Sesungguhnya syaitan berbisik. Despite it, i went ahead with the enrolling. Happy girl, i am. Starts on 4th august. Insya'Allah.
.......................................................................................................................................................

I am so in love with this show. Awal ashaari is just sweet uhz....lalalalalla

i am excited so?

2009-07-24T22:33:00.002+08:00

Tmr is saturday which means its the NDP preview. what the heck! my excited mode has been on ever since...i am so in love in NDP. Nurul, i am sorry but i ve offered....:) hhaha....this gerl of mine has the same jakunis and semangat mamat when it comes to NDP. We just love and enjoy this kinda thing but too bad she cant come along with me. so dear, i will enjoy for u aite....( ni suma sep nya pasal) i am so loving it....lambat sey nak besok...

Few days back, this sweetpie of mine came to visit me since she is around the corner of my workplace. Gosh i miss us. *hugs* i just realise we have not been dating each other since forever. chet.. sorry eh dear. I am too tite up with work and school. honest hor. :)) will meet u up soon. real soon i mean. She came with her bf that is. Oh boy i so miss riding on a bike with my own boyfriend. Thats one hard fact which i cant accept up till date. They have changed to Aprillia from their old bike. And i cant believe i feel very upset after they left. crappy. I just miss the two of them and of course their bike made me think of the past.

The painful yet unforgettable past. When everything just doesnt go our way and we lost a lot of things along the way. Our own honda SP. I will hold those dear memories close to my heart. No one understands and i dont need them to. I have moved on but sometimes as qouted by my bf,
"memories are man's bestfriend" Indeed it is. I wished he had his own honda again but on the otherhand i believe Allah have a reason for taking a lot of things from us. Therefore, i wont push or pester him to get a new bike or whatsoever. I enjoy our train rides and our cabbing days when i am so friggin lazy to take a bus. During the days when the bike was with us, i will always complained that i wanna take the cab with him, sit on a bus together and happily disturbing each other in the train. and when he refused i will show a long draggy face. So i believe Allah take something only to replace with something else. HE knows better what i need. see i can go on n on about our past....tsk tsk...I learnt things the hard way. Its okay. I fall and i get up. And even walk and run....:)) I am so proud of myself. lalalallala

Oh yahz....august~~~please dont come so soon can? pretty please.....

Tmr can come soon. i am excited excited excited!!!!!!!!

confused

2009-07-17T22:23:00.002+08:00

I just post an entry few minutes ago but i feel like posting another. Just feel like it. anyw, i am not at home to begin with. As i m typing, its at 1031 and here i am at bugis internet cafe sitting at one corner in a cubicle, like the one in the office...the partition that sets you out from your neighbour....thats just like it. my own private space and i like it though i am alone. I end class early today and head st8 here. I have plans actually but lets scrap that....

These few days, i have been thinking about furthering my studies....this time round, its gonna worth a big missile if i decide to do it. If only i am born a rich girl....then again, good that i am not. I learn real meaning of hardship, enduring and the associates. The dowager and partner aint that supportive either of my wants to be a Social worker cum councillor. Sometimes i wonder am i trying so hard to achieve what i want plainly because thats what i really want or i just wanna prove to others so they will not look down on me..... In the reality that we are in, paper cert counts and like it or not, its a major backup. Back to my point, maybe i want both. To achieve my goal and prove it to others.

They dont favor me in the early childhood line. They dont like it when i do volunteer work. At times, i was mocked at for being naive and gullible just doing volunteer work. Despite that, I work my way to get a dip though i want one from one of the polytechnics in singapore.....I am not satisfied still. I want something next to my name. I want a degree. am i up to it? Allah, please guide me through this.....and i know HE will....

............................................................

the lappie is gone

2009-07-17T21:13:00.002+08:00

The lappie has crash and could be revive no more...gonna purchase a desktop soon....my lil sisz has been bugging and i am of cox irritated....what else aint it? I understand their plight but please understand mine cos i couldnt spare that lil time at night when the shops are still open. why oh why? cos i have classes....i am that hardworking so please respect it. thank you. anyways sistaz, SAT is tmr so bug me no more aite....if not, i m gonna pull all your hair!

The week has been hectic (as usual).....But sumhow i thank Allah for it cox w/o the busy-ness, i will be lamenting and pitying myself and the situation i am in every moment....I tried and did what i should. Even more than what i should....at times, i became speechless. I have find it hard to confide with others whatmore sharing......Allah knows me best.

....................................................................................................................

its hurting so much

2009-07-09T07:18:00.002+08:00

it hurts so freaking much. Least expected it from you and i thought i have been the best girl all this while. What is it i have not done for u? I was caught unaware and the best part is you use my name wo my knowing. All this while, i clear whatever shit that u have left behind. I was there every single time. I persevered.....i tolerate.......i hold my faith.....i held on to my hopes.....i was about to break but i brace myself, pick myself up.....what have you done for me in return?

I heard the news and it breaks me into pieces...it takes a whole lot of years for me to trust you and it took u a mere few seconds to spoil everything....i was stunned.....and i still am even when i am typing...what do u want from me? you have spoil everything....

I am so disappointed....utterly.....:((( it hurts......

the pushed from others

2009-07-08T07:28:00.002+08:00

Much as i hate to admit it, i miss those friends of mine company...oh i will get over soon i think....

anyways, i am excited cum anxious to apply the SOCIAL DEG....

am i up to it? tsk tsk....and some people just love bringing others self esteem down...but u know what? those words make me wanna prove my worth more then anything. thankz and no thankz people....

Can i say i kant wait for saturday?

the consolation prize is worth it.

2009-07-05T00:26:00.005+08:00

Yoohoozzzz.....a sucky beginning today. yes very sucky dat is. tsk . About a month ago, i had planned for a trip to malacca. I am very sure that it was supppsed to be today. I rushed home from sch yesterday just so i could rest a lil bit longer and play typing maniac before sleep. GOt up early to shower and get ready. HE knows how excited i was for the trip when a phonecall ruin everything.

ring ring ring.......

he: its not today.....you the wrong day dear....

and my feelings was horrendously terrible at that moment....how on earth could i get the date wrong? i save it in my organizer and my hp calender.....i am pretty sure it wasnt me....i was a bit furious of course. wat the hell rite? tsk....and for the record, i can't make it tmr cox i have TUITION....i feel like crying....yah i am that kinda person....once i have look forward to things, please make sure it happens....chet .... i hate that feeling of dissapointment gushing through me. w/o any delay, i forced myself to return to my lala land. what else but that?

In the later part of the day, i think i forced my dear love for the Jb trip, just to check out the new checkpoint and city-square-ing....i must say ALLAH is fair. Thank You. Although i will not be able to make it for tmr trip, like duhhhh, i gotta spend my day today with contentment. Just us. Purely us. Lovely us. :)) i am a happy girl today. I wished the day never ends but the saying goes, Good things never last in the world. At the very least, my consolation prize is worth it.

The upcoming weeks will be hectic and i am starting to feel the pinch. Anyways, i must remind myself, i am given all the test and trials and i should be thankful....thankful that i can be a more patient and stronger person, insya'Allah.

here

2009-06-28T23:10:00.001+08:00

it feels safe here

im utterly upset n disappointed with things.

God, plz save me.

....................

2008-04-22T08:10:00.004+08:00

I can't wait for payday. Not much but at least i ve $ to spend. First in my mind is i wanna buy a gift for boyfriend. Yes a gift for no apparent reason. Just because he is my boyfriend? does that count as one? hahax. ok lame. whatever.

Everyone has their own way of showing their love. I should be contented and feels blessed that somebody loves me and i am part of him.

I get by without the awaiting-messages.
Feels the strong urge to but refrains.
tingly2 feelings plz fade off.

Bff? Including pushing away your other half? I have my doubts.

nearly

2008-04-21T08:16:00.002+08:00

19/4 Saturday.

Nearly....

apa apa ah

2008-04-19T10:04:00.003+08:00

why do i feel that way?

urghhhh....

had i known, i wouldn't have invited myself over.

and the heart is jux so hard on _______________

i am beginning to hate the fact that i am a libran.

watever lahz ehz.

best ah

2008-04-18T07:50:00.003+08:00

There was a part where the msg goes - " kita eksen2 tgh courtship days ah. kanz awak suka."

Yes no doubt those period meant a lot. I would never trade those times for any others. I was myself - period.

Yours truly is still in that state, with no desire to do or think anything. Though i miss our times as badly as it can get, the heart just do not want to make any step.

As what i say to him, "let nature take its course".

Thats not me. I have always fight for what i want. Be it rebelling or just charge all the way. I will not let anything or anyone decide for me. Its not about ego but shouldn't we make an effort for things that we want and if the things are not meant to be ours then yah so be it. @ least we make an effort aint it? Where have that attitude gone? Lost too?

As i sat in front of him having my Ban Mian ytd, i could sense the lost aura from us. The unhappiness b/n us. or rather dissapointment? I wanted and yes i wanted to caress his lovely cheeks and make my face like a monkey trapped-in-the-tree so that he would laugh heartily. I know he would love that but the time wasn't right or is it just me?

It breaks my heart to see his face when i am so not myself. There were times when i refrain myself from doing things i used to with him. Love, all i could say is I am sorry.

Maybe indulging ourselves in our courtship days will do us Good? There is a part of me which says yes tho. He went out ytd to play his all-fav Dota and i said nothing. During our courtship days, i never say nething. so yah. mayb thats the way. If i am here feeling all kinds of emotions, it must be the same for him i guess. Not sure but ther is such thing as a maybe. I went back on my own from causeway point just as how we used to be back then. I am happy with that? Yes i am. Before parting which is to go home lahz, i hug him. Oh hw i feel that i miss him truckloads when doing so. I hope to see better days ahead.

Don't you love?

And you asking me to go ________, do u mean it?

confused

2008-04-17T08:02:00.003+08:00

I have drifted.

The vision is much much blurry now.

As to what ppl claim that its because of him,

i jux ignore.

Cox i feel otherwise.

He triggers it but is NOT the cause of it.

I bother not to explain.

I have no desire to.

As to what the sista say about jeopardise----------------------,

how i wish i wanna agree to it.

yes i saw an occurance.

I wonder why too?

Every single nite,

deep down in the heart, i will silently wish love goodnyte.

Reminisce our old days or should i say Golden days b4 i fall aslp.

and now i wish we are not 4. I wish we are only at our courtship days. i dont mind the first 2years of the r/s.

I don't mind the waiting for you.

The fighting for US.

The missing you like hell.

The holding on when i don't even know if you are coming back to me.

It beats the situation now.

I wish i could shrug off the feelings.

I wish i could just pretend.

but i have no idea what happen to my rusty brain.

Yes i am scared of what may happen to us with my nonchalant attitude.

i am freaking scared.

But i do not know what to do.

tell me dear.

Please say this is just a rough patch we are going thru.

You told me ytd.

' i would be lonely w/o you ard me dear'

How true is that?

I have no idea.

PArt of me is eager to find out.

Another part is worrying what happen if things didnt work out as how i want it to be?

See how confused and lost i am dear.

please sprinkle some magic and let me wake up from my blurry vision.

i am so lost

2008-04-15T08:24:00.004+08:00

You HAVE to trust each other. There can be no doubt of this. Trust is the glue in any relationship, and a loss of trust is one of the things that can sever it pretty spectacularly. Trust is also a two way street, it's something you both have to do and to have for each other.

......................................................................................................

MYTH #5: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP IS A PEACEFUL ONE
Don't be afraid to argue because you think it's a sign of weakness or relationship breakdown. Even the healthiest couples argue.

.............................................................................................................................................

If a relationship loses its color and the couple don’t spend as much time together as they used to, women are the first ones to notice this change.

.........................................................................................................................................................

Re-enactment

.................................................................................................................................................

it is so blurry.

...

2008-04-14T08:30:00.001+08:00

I dreamt of yesterday.

Cool.

xingnannian

2008-04-13T23:10:00.003+08:00

i had so much fun...

and i love it.

i didnt forgot boyfriend but.....

i so kant wait for the next meet-up session.

when eh?

and dig this, i am going to open up a friendster account on account of them.

oh how i love love love today. the camwhoring, the usik mengusik, the kacau mengacau, the step perasanz, the step machoz guys, the awkwardness (kononlah) at first, the tak kenal sampai dah kenal session and of cause the laughter laughter and laughter. Till the jaw hurtz. best2. :)

after 10+ long years, we finally get together. Fantabulous.

i am lost

2008-04-12T19:47:00.003+08:00

If he wants to, he can find me and not the other way round.

fck it.

I am tired of that.

If he loves me so, then i shall deserve all the attention i should have.

Give me shits no more cause i have no desire to fix it..

Get that?

The mind has freeze and maybe it should just stay that way for the time being.

The root here is i am tired.

I am burnout.

I am lost in my own thoughts which just freak me out in the end.

I am stubborn, irritating, annoying, demanding, fussy, and etc so you say but not as much as you.

I am pushed away.

Yes I am.

and i don't feel like driving myself back to you (yet).

Again i gotta repeat my words,

i am tired.

Do you ever know it?

I have my doubts.

I bother no more to explain.

so yah.

Let me be lost in my journey for the time being.

Maybe being 'lost' for a while is beneficial to u n me.

i don't know.

sometimes,

Missing You is better then having you beside me.

so i feel.

haiyah

2008-04-11T22:05:00.002+08:00

I hate People to ORDER me to do this and that.
If i want to, i will do it out of my own accord.
Do not ever order me around cox I do Not Like It.

I envy others relationships.
Oh yes i do.
Am i expecting too much?
Shouldn't i be contented with what i have?
The fact is, deep down, i want more.

Why do i feel that i am stuck in a maze where i can't find the way out?
Just like a kid, i feel scared. I am confused.

A kiss on the cheek.
Our faces just cm away from each other.
I told him I love you.
He smiled and say love you too.
And i sincerely wish time stop or move slowly at that point.

I am indeed scared to lose you cox i love you.
But i hate it when bad days catch up on us.
We will be turning 5 this yr.
Much as we make people go awwwww so sweet so long ready,
I feel pressured.
i really do dear.
It is not as simple as it seems.
It is harder to maintain the love then falling in love.
I SImply agree to that.

If you want to treated like a queen, then act like one.

why?

2008-04-10T08:19:00.002+08:00

I feel like hacking, chopping, slicing you.

But you are still the one making me laugh despite all those feelings.

Why is it so?

......................................................................................................................................................

Met sweetpie.

beszt oit.

next time wo the bf horz.

and this sunday ? i m so looking forward k....lalalala

did i say i went to the dentist yest?

dont know

2008-04-08T07:56:00.002+08:00

I do not know how to cook yummylicious food.

does that hinder me from being a good wife in future?

maybe yes. hmmm

weekends

2008-04-07T08:11:00.006+08:00

Though i feel like a kite at times, you are flying me too high up in the sky, you will still managed to pull me back to be in your hands again. I am not really loving it (when i am too high) cause i am scared to death.

How easy it was when you say out that particular sentence. a recap-i just changed my mind. When i asked about the past compromising, you simply shrug it off by saying THAT sentence. Bloody hell. Trust me when i say i feel like kicking and boxing you. No joke. How could you. Nevertheless, i feel that i brought this issue upon myself. YAh yah. whatever ryte. Well, i will take it in my stride. Love and life is never a bed of roses. We have been in the comfort zone for too long w/o misunderstandings and squabbles. Not that i want it though, but all this spice up the relationship aint it? It is a test to show us how strong we are in facing the problems we faced. PPl thinks we are such a wonderful couple w/o fights and is happy-go-lucky kinda couple. And WE would always disagree. We had our hard days(like recently) and we choose not to show it or rather we actually are not that good in handling it? Be whatever the reason is, i gotta say this - We too have our ups and down amidst the rosy surface.

I chose to trust you with those girls. errmmm...haix...i hate this but yes i admit i had that tingling-dingling feeling in my heart wanting to know more about them. I didn't tell you of course and act normal by choosing my choice of words carefully so that you will not think i am that "curious" you know. hmm...if there is any girl who menggatal with you, plz tell me so that i can curse them when i am alone but i will act goody-goody in front of you. hahaha. I don't i am being egoistic here. Its just that i dont think i should blow matters when it is still not way beyong redemption. lalallalalalla. period.....

On the other hand, words have it that you may be on the tempted side to fly off to canada. By asking me means you need my blessing or what? Dont tell me you are that kinda person who wants to test the gf to see whether she will say no and say, ' Dont go plz. cox i need you by my side.'are you like that? cox thats not what i said to you, you know. If thats what you really want, i will respect it. Yes of course i am gonna miss you like crazy and it will be tough but i/we must remember this " Behind every successful man, is a woman. "

My heart feel the Ouch but it also says to support your decision.

Sanggupkah kau bersabar sayang

Menunggu diriku ini? - Is that what you wanna ask me dear?

MAy Allah guides us.

why

2008-04-04T23:19:00.002+08:00

Why does it seem that we are walking on the same path but not holding each others hands?

" You dont share my sentiments" - I feel the same too.

I am speechless.

I teared.

I hate u but i love you.

Why?

studies matter

2008-03-29T10:44:00.004+08:00

How wonderful if i am a 5yr old kid NOW.

As we age, comes more wants and needs. There is also the sense of responsibility towards one self and to others in which only people with conscience possessed. How nice, not.

There are so many things i wish and hope to achieve in this short lifetime. The Big question is HOW will i pursue it when everything clashes? and of course MONEY is always involved. I have always believe money makes the world go round in the society we are living in. Craps are comments which states money are secondary. I beg to differ. Love without money and you think you can survive? Thats just wishful thinking which sooner or later will lead to depression. Not that i hope or pray for that to happen to the people out there. But we need to be realistic right. Just hw do you survive wo money? Money is essential. A necessasity. And you never know in time to come, money IS everything.

Gone are the days where i will always dream i will get money out of nowhere. Maybe a rich man wants me or i struck a fortune. Funny when i think back how princessy i could get. I have learnt to step in the real world. Its hard and frigging hard that is but i am surviving. When i am so hard and tite towards the end of the month, i feel like breaking down. I hate myself for not studying hard enough to secure myself a high standing post. If i could turn back time, i would and make sure i soar high to the sky. If only. I do not want the current standing i had now. I want to earn big bucks. I want to pursue my studies. I want my skills or even passion to be recognised. I do not want to be bullied just because i do not possess THAT standing. I have my dreams to be respected and reputable and not a second-standard individual.

Wish of myself being a rich girl has always been playing in my mind but yet thankful i wasn't. Contradicting, yes i know. Since i am not one, i have learn the meaning of endurance and perseverance. Learn the need to be optimistic and work for things i wish for. I am so thankful for that.

Now the issue is, how do i juggle between the responsibility and the desire to work towards my dreams? Yes, i am caught in the two. I do not have the luxury of doing both. My life is as such. I need to choose.fast. I can't afford to be selfish and just think of myself. or should i? Self before others? Thats is so #%#@(*# inconsiderate.

Love told me before, ' I will be happy for you if you get to achieved what you want dear. If getting to a university is what you want, go ahead.' Those words became my source of encouragement. I want to be proud(in a gd way of course) of myself and US. I wish to prove to me and ___________ that i can just be like the others and even more then that. One day, people will stop comparing me with some others so-called brainy witch or wizard.

___________ love to say about others this and that. Always saying me and the YOUNGER siblings aren't competent enough. To cut short ___________ sayings, the message I get is we are sore losers. Simply put, harsh but 'refreshing' enough to push myself harder. That is why i hate it when the siblings are ever so lazy to further their studies and be so laidback. It is as if giving more points for ___________ to say in the future. JUst yest, my youngest sis said,

' I don't ever wish to step into poly. I think i cant also. If i ever step into ITE is good enough.'

I no longer have anything against ITE but her message is simple. tsk. My ear went dhnnngggggg when she said that.

Oh Allah almighty, please path the right way for me. Grant me, even the least light will do so that i can move towards it.

Love, i am sorry. I have no idea whether i have been to hard on you regarding this matter. I may have been pushing too hard. When at times we have our disagreement, trust me that somehow i do not know i have become overly optimistic. You need me and i need you sweetheart. You know that. You are my smiles and my inspiration. We have our own sets of views and opinions but Walk with me throughout this dear. I so need you.

Even if i or even us do not reach the sky,

at the very least we reach the starz. I will not have any regrets cause i tried. and you tried.

........................

2008-03-28T08:36:00.002+08:00

Friday is here. Finally.....yoodahoo...... have been countdown for weekends sey.

I wanna go town.

I wanna watch Sky Of Love.

sedih ah gitu

2008-03-27T08:19:00.002+08:00

I have seen and ride on the new bike. And i miss my baby SP. A lot. Label me emotional/sensitive if you must but the fact remains; baby SP is being missed by me.
I still feel like crying now thinking about it. It was so sudden. I wasnt given enough time to 'let it go' emotionally. I do not have the least idea whether love is happy or excited or ecstatic to have the new bike. Or maybe i just didn't take notice. bad gf?

What is wrong with me i asked myself. I have been super duper sensitive and whatmore i have been slammed with a shocking news. I am pretty sure it will affect our live if something is not done soon. My face went numb when the news get to my eardrum. I don't know what to say or react. I just felt life was so unpredictable. I will not ask why me to be the choosen one but i feel disappointed with situation. Life is playing with us.

I am tired. I feel the urge to give up and let go of the things we have planned but the urge to be there for you and US is much stronger for god knows what the reason is.

When tears tried to trickle down my cheeks, i tried hard and make sure it don't. I hide it so that you will be strong. Behind the smiles you see on me, are worries and fear love. You will never know because i choose not to tell you.

Oh Allah ALmighty, please give me the strength to endure your test. I am on the verge of losing the grip and breaking down.Please. So that i will be very strong for love.

new bike

2008-03-25T08:20:00.002+08:00

i want to make an announcement. to myself. *drumrolls*
Love and us have a new bike. best ke tak eh?
i dunno. Havent had the chance to see it yet. But i am friggin damn sure i miss my baby SP. urghhh....*pinch me plz*

Time to move on w/o it. I hate separation be it with someone or something. I just hate it.

Btw, i wonder whether i am the first pillion. Anyway, does it make any difference when for the last bikes that we had, i wasnt the first one? What issue will it make huh? hmmmm.....
Girls will always be girls. Konon nya cam rasa di utamakan lah gitu. but durghhh....ok watever. I have the strong feeling i am the first one though. If the feeling is wrong, good! If is correct, macam lah tak biasa.

-Stagnant river are the most dangerous and full of high and low tides. -This is so true. I realise that i wont flare up into a mad woman at the slightest thing or when its near to testing my patience. Its so difficult to see me flare up but trust me when i say i can kill with my words. Orang diam2 jgn pijak kepala. Once i open my mouth, thats it. Even the most powerful aspirin, is not gonna help.

Ok lah off to work.

Countdown to saturday ?

2008-03-24T08:08:00.003+08:00

ThursdaY.

aNGER was in the house. Wasn't able to meet love when i was expecting to meet him. In the end, we end up passing sarcastic remarks to each other. i hate that cox after that i am dead sure i would feel guilty. And so i text him to apologise. Water always puts off the fire right? Needless to say, we patch up after that. Thats the greatness of a Sincere apology. (nini plz read this)

Friday

A simple PH. spend the time lazing at home during the day and meet up with love at night for dinner. After so long, get to meet farid and girlfriend. Gone are the days where he became ever so macho and muscular. Whats left is just the name. His weight had escalates drastically and the face was as round as errrr,an orange? Yah, maybe orange it is. Anyway, he had change his old bike to one of the class 2A bike. And we spend the time talking about the bike. The boyfriend and not the girlfriends. I have come to terms that he is a changed person or rather a changed friend. Maybe to me alone but heck, i care no more. Good things never last anyway. I guess he has settled for the current girlfriend and is bent to keep her. Good if its true lorz. Another thing i absolute love about friday is for the fact that love and me took a walk to our makan place instead of taking the bike. I was able to look at him when i am talking and we could joke and laugh as if the world was ours. I love walking with him once in a while. A simple walk is all it takes to make things right and make my day. After dinner, we sat down and talk a bit. The conversation make me realise this phrase, " Dugaan lagi banyak bila lagi lama matair". People always said this to us. Nevertheless, i pray hard i would not succumbed to situation. I wanna be there through thick and thin for US.

Saturday

AWESOME!!!! We were greeted with heavy rain and thunder but that did not make our day less enjoyable. After work, we met up with sweetpie and her beau at westcoast. Had lunch and waited for the rain to stop. Luck was on our side. We proceed to west coast park. LAy out my mat, there we were plaiying games. Adding to the fun was when each one of us had to do a forfeit. Dont wanna elaborate on dat. hahhaha. Sweetpie beau escape doing though. SO unfair. Nevermind. There is always a next time. The peak of the fun is when playing Who is the richest?hell shit! I cant believe sweetpie and my love are money-faced people. haha. They were so engrossed in playing that they ignored me n her beau whom had lost earlier. Chet. It was hell loads of fun and i loved all those laughter we had. The fact that we got along ever so well with sweetpie boyfriend is such a plus point. And i tell you, this guy makes me laugh and so ease. In a good way of course. Dont get the wrong idea. I am a libran and he is too. That should explain our chemistry. haha. I love today. THe medicine to relieve stress. HEading to mac donald after which is mad i tell you. Pretending to see the menus when they are oogling at chickx. Hiyak dush.

Sunday,....

Calm and relaxing. Called love over and spent the time playing board game with my sibling at the void deck. He LOSES. haha. thats because he won too much the day before. How nice if every weekend is like this week. if only.......by the way, today is my last ride with our SP baby. Sad sad....but well, between wants and needs, we need to prioritise our needs. COmes tomorrow, it will be a new bike and no more baby SP. I am dead sure i will miss my baby SP. ALways in our memories though and i have come to terms about the whole matter. Told myself, love need me to go through all these moments.

Chiayoh....i will get use to the new bike in time to come.

oh oh.....time to get ready for work.....

screwed up

2008-03-21T07:46:00.003+08:00

i screwed up.

%$&%$&$%&

okiez anyway, my sis is so in need of a bang on her head.

yeah yeah.

i dont n i really dont understand why she is that egoistic and bombastic fanatic egois that is.

I think all arians are like thAT.

evil and miang runs in the blood.

humble pie is poison to them.

i hold back tears

2008-03-19T08:26:00.002+08:00

i hold back tears all because.............

my rashes became super friggin itchy,

my rashes look so bad,

when i told her abt the graduation day,

when she ans me,

when she dont sound enthusiastic

when he wanted a new one,

when he really wanted it,

when i think of the reason why we should get a new one,

when i think of all the upcoming setbacks we will go thru,

when i know its going to be hard,

when i feel so emotionally attached to it.

One minute i am happy and the next minute i m sad.

what a life!

let me sigh....HAIXXXXXXXXXXX

stay positive. be positive. chiayoh

makan imm

2008-03-17T23:01:00.002+08:00

sweetpie couldnt make it due to diarrhea. Nevertheless, the dinner still goes on. Jux w/o her.
next time horz darlz.

Sedap sampai licin hotplate kitorg. haha. And i so love the convo with my Aries sis. Siapa lagi kalau bukan si mentel and egoistic minah tu?

Msg pun ego. masya'Allah.

Anyway, its thankz to me he replied your msg ehz...cepat ah cakap thank You.

And she thinks i am a clown. ORang ckp dia ketawa. Tak kelakar pun ketawa. apenya org sey.

anyway, "its too late to apologize....." haha..

Choose frens forever or true love ehz?

on another note, love is gonna love april....

sayang kuz tdo kot....

for him

2008-03-17T07:49:00.002+08:00

You charmed me with your smile

You choose me over the pretty girls

You thought i was different

You depended on me

You showered me with your neverending love

I am thankful

Please believe so

I was too young maybe

Everybody thought i was cruel

When i left you

I had my reasons

I had to take my leave

Maybe i should have been there to changed you

Maybe i should have been there to walk with you

But i was afraid

You apologize again and again

You tried hard to win me

You tell me that you need me

You showed me your sincerity

I told you it was too late

And i am sorry

No more

We were not meant to be

But i Thank You.

For everything

Till now, I still remember you

Our pictures are still in my keepsake

As a momento of our love

Wherever you are

I wish you all the best

nina

2008-03-16T22:56:00.001+08:00

chatted with a sweet dear fren aft so long.

gotta know her way back since i work BK.

oohhh lala....bring back memories while working there....

thats where it all began with the ex love..

best kape ehz...

memories.....

karma

2008-03-16T11:30:00.004+08:00

The song im having now is dedicated solely for my sis N_n_...she likes it i think...*snorts*

Say im bad or whatever.

I wouldn't like it if some other girls is on my husband. Furthermore, riding a bike with him? Hell no! I won't be that bad as to curse the girl to be knocked down or sth. How about letting karma get on her? Not so bad right?

Then that girl do not have anything/anyone else to blame except herself.

How nice having a girl riding with your husband? Fun huh?

I dn have a good impression of him neither do i think he is hell handsome like people claim.

But what i do know is, he is superficial. Taking marriage lightly. ROtten egg. I dont need to meet him and i dont need to be friends with him. I have no wish to.

Marriage is sacred whether you married young or what ever not. Carry yourself as a real man who is married and not some single and avai guy.

To the girlz ard him, stay clear and know your stand. And to those who still dont get it and thinks 'oh we are just frens lah. Nothing more.' tapi mentel mcm nk mampoz, may you errrrr...choose whether its karma or ROT in Hell for you?

So what if he had a big heart getting married when................................................................?

after math?

pk lah kanak2 budu'...asal bengap sangat?

i am done.

Be whoever you are girlz, my best wishes ehz.
.......................................................................................................................................

I pray to God i wouldnt want to be involved in that kinda situation. please dont let me. I believe in marriages that last. I sincerely do. I am scared of karma and i really am my dear GOD.

The pain while pining for the boyfriend years back is still fresh in my heart. I still thinks that God wants to punish me for leaving my then boyfriend ever so cruelly. and that is why i was being trick in falling in love with a new guy(boyfriend now) only to have him leaving me. the fact that he is my boyfriend now, means we get back together after...............

boyfriend kita sayang awak...
awak sayang kita jugak kanz? say yes k.

if only

2008-03-15T23:09:00.003+08:00

if only i have tons and tons of money...
i would buy a lot a lot of things...
hmmm.
the latest handphone,
a $400plus watch,
a pair of shoes from a shop in heeren,
2 pair of Levis jeans,
2 pair of clothings from Topman,
a new Bike,
a car license,
a whole new wardrobe and lain belum important.

and all the above are for my love except the wardrobe uhz.

if only.

i miss ain

2008-03-14T23:06:00.002+08:00

Sweetpie 21st birthday is gonna be special, hopefully. She is my lovely 'twin'. od course I wanna see her happy and smiling. Furthermore, it will be her 21st bdae. Lets make it memorable alright sweetheart...

and so while having dinner with my loveand discussing abt sweetpie bdae, he suddenly pop up this qns.
' bdae ain awak tak meet die pun?'

honestly, i feel like strangling him. He stepped on my toes ok. Out of all things, he gotta ask me that. it hurts uhz. In fact, I have no idea why she is distancing herself. I have no inkling why she bother about our friendship no more. Yes i miss her. truckloadz. It is painful when i think about it. All this while, i have been trying to meet up or even calls her. No response. NOthing. what more do i say? She chose this way. I did not. I tried and i tried and i feel clueless all the times. What is wrong? is it me? or is it you? along the way, i begun to accept the fact. What is it that is wrong i asked myself again and again? But i just couldnt get the ans. When i seriously miss you, i would confide in no one except the boyfriend. and he with good intention will ask me,
' dia kalau nak dia cari awak ah. buat ape nk cari2 org yg tak ingat awak?'

you have no idea how much it hurts when he said that. But i am thankful tho cause had he not utter those harsh words, i would still be in a daze abt the friendship which is so dear in the heart.

And because of this, ascertain me further on my friendship beliefs. frens come and go as they will. When u are so in need of their support and listening ear, they vanished like thin air. Redha je lah....

well well well,

Be positive.

I hope you are happy my dear fren where ever you may be. The friendship we used to share is lost and missing in the journey of our life but not the memories. Still etched in the mind. May happiness be always yours. Time will heal everything and i hope that should we ever bump into each other one day, just let me embrace you. Thats not much to ask for aint it?

....................................................................................................................

alright my love is playing DOTA. sukalah tu dia...sekali sekala biarlah kanz. hehhe

i wanna do volunteer work. Hmmm........been so long.....
amek course volunteer pun best kanz....at least i am doing something meaningful. Peepz ard me always ask why i like doing volunteer work when i hardly spent time on myself....

well, i just love seeing others happy. as simple as that.

i dream im pregnant

2008-03-14T08:23:00.002+08:00

i dreamt that i was pregnant! omg. what the heck! haha

out of all things. chicken feet tol.

him: kalau infuture mesti lagi romantic.
me: byk nya romantic. ajak g popular bookshop je muka dah ronyok seribu.
him: tu lain lah. tu untuk anak kita nye learning. i must understand.
me: ohhhh~...kira anak g penting ah ni? camtu i dont want to have one. pasal nak kene share2 love dari awak.
him: isshhhkk....tak kisah nk anak gak. eh wife kan ada responsibilty zahir dan batin utk husband. anak kene planning tapi zahir dan batin important tau....hahaha
me: ni dah kenapa? sepak kang...

dah corny horny gaknya matair aku sorg ni..hahha....but one thing i know he adores small kids and yearns to have one. i am the opposite. i love kiddoz but i havent yearn for one. pelik tapi benar. Living in Singapore just add up to the difficulty in having one. Anyway, i hope to have one day but not anytime soon in the initial stage of marriage. haha...best lah gitu marriage life berdua je. macam romantic. hahaha....will i end up with him is another case...but hopefully yes ah. i love him thats why. cakap mcm lagi berapa bulan nk kawin gitu. hahaha...

but we are saving for it. Who knows next year kahwin ke....bestnya....mcm mentel gitu eh....bukan mentel tapi nak elak kan maksiat oit....mcm faham ehz...but it would be wonderful to have him in the house together.

ok dah...pagi2 berangan....

nk mandi....chaoz chin chaoz...

miss them

2008-03-13T21:10:00.002+08:00

It rains and rains and rains throughtout the day. It was hell cold. I had to switch off the fan in my class. I wouldn't want to wash mattresses when the children wakes up from their nap time. hehe...

dont wish to talk about my assignment.

anyway, i have no idea why i kept thinking about my love frenz. we used to be that close uhz. and i love going out with them. Recently, i have come to terms that we can no longer have that kinda bonding. I am pretty sure my love feels it but being him of course he will brush it away. I love his smiles and laughter when he is with them. Everyone has their own commitment i guess but still the friendship should nvr be neglected right? kesian lah my love....

And just now this question came to mind - the important people that i love beside my family?
my love and sweetpie came to mind first and foremost. i would do anything within my means for them. i love them lots. period.

oh yes sweetpie lets have ice cream together soon aite....lalala....

banyak ah

2008-03-13T08:09:00.002+08:00

last weekend was pretty tight. now i feel 24 hrs aint enough for a single day.
anyway, i send my dearest love kakak to the airport that weekend. i hateseparation i tell you though that someone is not that close wit me. i hate to see the tears from everybody ard. The most heartwrenching part about the sending off was when the kakak salam her husband. i tell u it was heartbreaking. and that was the first ever time i saw the husband cry that bad at the same time trying to be strong for their children. She hugged her real tight and gave her lots of kisses on the forehead and cheeks. and i think this is the first ever time she went oversea ALONE w/o the husband. touching uhz....i am pretty sure my love was saddened but being so him, he didnt say it nor did he show it openly. thats just him. but i could feel and see from his reaction. I have been with him mahz?

after that, i tot if i were to be the one separated from my love for some good reasons, i have no idea if i could ever take it. or what i will do. maybe he needs to work oversea? good prospect are awaiting. i couldnt possibly say no and be selfish right? he have always said this, we cross the bridge when we reach it. mayb theres some truth in that.
anyway, his secon sis in law was making me feel so paisey...hahhaha not gonna share that though.

last few days was torturous and i am sad that despite all the midnight oil being burned, having just 4 hrs sleep everyday, i still have to submit my asignment late. fck. sheesshhh.

and for the past few days i am so thankful love is being so nice. cox i need that. he has been there just being him to make me smile when i am so stressed up and all. i love you baby. weekend is coming and we go jalan2 aite?

oh yah. i feel bad that i couldnt be there when my younger sis need my attention. anyway she brush thru it and i hope she frigging comes out from he aries nutshell.stop being like papa lah ok. friendship is important but so is love. you are a big gal so think. like i always say, if u want u fight it, if not just stay clear and lose it. before u end hurt all over again.

i need to go to work.

sweetpie i miss you horz. just busy lah. i know u miss me too. can you just stay near my hse?
ok whatever.

hectic again

2008-03-10T07:49:00.002+08:00

Another hectic week...

Gonna rack my brain for these coming few days.

love,
give me the support i need yah.....muackx

Time waits for no one.

2008-03-08T06:25:00.003+08:00

I gotta rush somethings. Urghh im freaking dead. Orite gal, breathe in breathe out. Fuh... chiayoh...i can do this.

.....................................................................................................................

I used to imagine and immersed myself or rather my life as a fairytale princess. Be whatever the reason is which makes me cry, i would just picture myself as a princess living happily ever when the prince charming came. best lah gitu kan.
people say im crazy. people say im mad. people say im CHILDISH. I dont give a hoot or even care what they perceives of me. Even the closest people thinks im such. Now, give me a good reason why i should care? Slowly though, i realise that it no longer works at time. Such as when i feel so ever sucky somedays. Try as i might thinking that im such a beautiful princess and the envy of many, i dont feel better.

I realise that times have changed and i have grown.

I no longer am in the fairytale stories now. I need to be realistic. Its that hard but i got to be one cause if i m not i will never get on my feet. When i feel like crying, i just let the tears flow slowly and think POSITIVE after that. That everything will be better and i gotta be the one making the first step to make changes. I should never ever wait for things/situation/people to change so that matters would take a turn. Why should i? My upbringing has taught me that if we dont make the first step, other people wont. Rather then lamenting on things, i might as well use the time to think on what is the next step i should take. Everyday is a brand new day and we should be living as if today is the last day on earth aint it?. yeah. that should be the spirit.

I am tired of taking things slow, waiting for things to happen. Time waits for no one and I am so tired of many things that is so in need of a change. The way people are so ever laidback. Oh i so hate that. Enough is enough. The journey of my 22 years teaches me not to be one. Never ever be cause in the end its not just you whom benefit but people around you too.

I am so ever thankful to the one above for bestowing on me a brain which works. No matter how stubborn i maybe, i believe that im stubborn for the goodwill.

I may fall and setbacks may be my next boyfriend but i have no wish to be its girlfriend. i just dont. I will pick myself up even if there is no one to lend me a hand so that i could stand on my feet again. It has been such in most cases. SO why not make it a habit right? chiayoh...

The key is Be Positive. Even in the end if i fail to get the result, its the process that matters. At least at a certain point of time, i could turn back and say, ' hey, at least i tried. Maybe it wasnt meant to be mine.' I am sure i will be happier insya'Allah.

love,
catch up with me in this journey of life cox like Time, i will not wait for others and i dont wish to. I have open up my mind and i am bent to it.

best kape eh

2008-03-07T00:23:00.000+08:00

best kape eh?

im dead. period.

suntec, fondue cancel

2008-03-04T08:33:00.002+08:00

Sunday was lovely minus the fondue part though due to a few hiccups. Oh well its alright. We can always go next time. The food over at ___________was deliciously yummy. I seem to errrr miss them? love is gonna laugh if he ever knows about this..

The career exhibition was alright and hopefully he is more keen to upgrade himself. I bet he wouldn't even bother about the exhibition if not for me. Sometimes really feel as if im his secretary. haha. like he always told me, "you are my personal secretary. w/o u i will be lost u noe" sweet kape ehz? bluekz.

I love the fact that we took THE TRAIN to travel. Once in a while it feels good i tell you. I could talk to him wo shouting the hell out of my voice. I could look him in the face when he is talking to me and i could lean against him when i am tired of standing. Fret not cause we know how to behave ourself alright. no mushy2 kisses and stuff! i wish the day never ends.

while walking back,

me: Y isit that sometimes you like to talk as if you are raising your voice?
him: mana ada?
me: eh kita yg dgr....kita tahu lah.....telinga kita ke telinga awak sey....
him: *smiling*
me: awak dgr tak kita ckp ni?
him: dgr lah.....dats normal wat. selalu jugak mcm tu...
me: takde tak selalu.....berapa byk kali kita dah ajar ckp tu biar sopan cikit. im not ur memberz2.
him: *smiling yet again*
me: orang ckp dia buat bodoh....*n i kp on talking..........*
him: awak ni nag2 mcm org tua ah....hahah....kita rasa kita mmg cam tu. but u kanot sebab awak mmg selalu bebual baik2. tak kena bebual kasar2.
me: oh awak takpe~....
him: *laughing* sebab awak nya suara halus. mcm tikus ah... kita suka dgr.
me: byknya halus.....

i seriously feel like pinching like him. convo like dis make me smile. The most simple things make me happy i tell u.

Come this week, i will be busy like hell. datelines to meet and so many other things to do. And i am so looking forward for weekend. Quality time spent again i hope. Insya'Allah.

sunday

2008-03-02T09:46:00.002+08:00

I cant sleep yesterday. toss and turn till i was so fed up. haha. maybe due to the cold weather. AND......i thought of my Big bear. not my love but the a fuzzy-cuddly bear which he bought for me during our 4th year. I grab it and hug it tite to sleep. konon2 im hugging my boyfriend lah..Finally, went in lala land. Woke up so early which i duno why.

Anyway, i have plans for today. If the planz punked today, im seriously gonna be 'devastated'.
Suntec is calling our name.
Esplanade is waiting for us.
I wanna go borders?
before all of the above, i gotta head to somewhere important...and love, i repeat i do not want to stay long. You feel me?

please dont rain today.

have asked sweetpie and her boyfie along to esplanade. cox i m sure she will love what/where we are going. anyway i misses her. so yah. hopefully she can make it. i love her so alright till love wonder are we that close since we dont meet up often? say what you want and speculate if u like it that way. haha. i dn care. even if she ever forget me one day, i will find her. Cox i noe i treasure our sweetie-friendship, sisterly love. but i doubt she will forget me. i m her 'twin' rem? :)

btw, i m thinking still when is the right time to start my speech and drama course? sweetpie?

To love,

you promise me Disney on ice? remember?

you spice up...

2008-03-02T01:59:00.000+08:00

You spice up my emotions baby.

My feel

2008-03-01T07:51:00.004+08:00

Its saturday morning! I am not at work. How great is that right? Yet somehow, my body and mind is accustomed to the fact that i work everyday except SUNDAY. So, a day off like today seems so surreal....haha...

I miss my love. period. With his schedule so hectic during the day resulted in him being so tired comes the night. Therefore, No more chit chatting at night. Drastic reduce of quality time spent. Less laughter. Less jokes and humor. Grouchyness throughout. Agitation became his strength. He didnt even remember that he need to fetch me from school. To whom then i should blame?

Just yesterday, i waited for his msg. I called his mobile. Not just once. I thought he was caught with work. Or sth may have happen. It wasnt the case though. When i finally get hold of him, instantaneously i knew that he had fell asleep while here i am frantically trying to get thru him. Pathetic?

At times i miss our passed days, loadz. The days whereby we get to play jokes on each other. The time where i wanna visit town and he would willingly be my 'chauffeur' . Where both of us had not yet started to be serious about our jobs and i do not have to attend school. Yes, true enough my course will be ending soon. This will also means i will be planning for the next step to continue my studies, all in the name of upgrading myself and be somebody professional. Sometimes in moving fast forward we forgot what is in front of us that in actual fact need our dire attention. In my case, its my relationship.

I wouldn't want a stagnant r/s in the coming future. Neither do i want to be selfish or petty when he at times or rather often nowadays forgets his dates with me. It wasn't as if we ask for any of this shortcomings. If this is a test for us from the Almighty above, i accept. There must be a blessing in disguise. I need to be positive aint it? Even in becoming an educator, i gotta possess a positive attitude at ALL times. So there. Love needs me to be strong for us and brush through the days with willpower and strength from our love. If i succumbed to circumstances, the journey ahead would be more rocky than we would ever imagined.

He said this in a msg few days back,

' You are always my pillar of strength. Always bring me up when im down. Always w/o fail.'

A man of less words he is but whenever something comes from him, it would always touches my heart. Melting the soul in me.

Having said all this, i am still human with flaws. So love, if i do make mistakes i am sorry . Do remind me dear. I need and must be strong for us.

PS I love You my love.
I just want to be there
When were caught in the rain
I just want to see you laugh not cry
I just want to feel you
When the night puts on its cloak
Im lost for words dont tell me
All I can sayI love you till the end

sanding tu haram

2008-02-24T16:31:00.002+08:00

I just know this.

Bersanding selepas pernikahan itu ialah haram. oh gosh

sebab musabab?

Sebab membazir duit,

memperagakan mempelai...ini cara org hindu?

Sanding dengan ikut cara hadis yg sewajarnya.

woah.....i wanna get the bottom of this astonishing fact.

Mas kahwin dan hantaran yang mahal: Inilah adalah sunah Rasul saw: "Wanita yang paling berkat ialah wanita yang paling murah hantarannya." (HR Ahmad, al-Hakim dan Baihaqi

Marriage is a new beginning for the bride n groom aint it?

maybe many marriages ends with a divorce because of a beginning which is not blessed?
God knows...

PS I loveyou

2008-02-24T09:52:00.003+08:00

SAT is lovely....love and me was indeed exhausted after a whole week of hardwork but we need the fresh air. Therefore, after work, we headed to meet our 'long distance cousins' with a few couples. Had we known that we are gonna be sleepy during the trip, we wouldnt had lunch earlier on.
Btw Is there any MEE BAKSO in town that tasted like DETTOL? nope? yes? oh well, my love gotta taste it. hahha....wouldnt wanna elaborate since i feel we should protect the makan place...:)

After the trip, we headed to causeway point. It feels ages eversince the last time i step in Causeway and eversince i met his _________. hmmmmm......

Over there out of all places, we headed to BAnQuet. i feel like having Burger King alright but oh well, sometimes it wont hurt accomodating to others right? im sure love will puke if he ever hear me declaring this.. chet. As usual, the peepz will finish their food first then me. Its not that i am a sloweater. They are the 'greedy' ones. In minutes that is, all the food had been gulped down..hahahah *shakes head*

Later in the evening, its left with love and me, sweetpie and her boyfie. I am so loving their company. Like totally. Sometimes, we would just walk beside each other and talk to our partner but just knowing that there are there with us, is lovely. BUt of course, we dont just talk with each of our other half. I am more the happy that both our loves could get along oh so well. No more awkward moments or quiet times between my love and her love. What more can i ask for? Oh i so heart the couple. Im glad that sweetpie has finally find someone true and who knows how to appreciate her virtues and flaws. More then words could ever say and i love seeing them so happy. Watching the movie PS I love you is awesome. Since we are such lovable couples, so we should watch it together isnt it? hahhaha.....sweetpie, tell sep if he disturb me again, i am seriously gonna pinch him hard...get it? :p

PS I LOVE YOU
Plot summary...
Set in Ireland, Holly Kennedy is beautiful, smart and married to the love of her life--a passionate, funny and impetuous Irishman named Gerry. So when Gerry's life is taken by an illness, it takes the life out of Holly. The only one who can help her is the person who is no longer there. Nobody knows Holly better than Gerry. So it's a good thing he planned ahead. Before he died, Gerry wrote Holly a series of 10 letters that will guide her, not only through her grief but in rediscovering herself. The messages are Gerry's way of informing Holly life goes on. The messages include various different tasks and treats Gerry has left for Holly. This is his way of letting her know he will always be there for her. In the months that follow, more letters from Gerry are delivered in surprising ways, each sending her on a new adventure and each signing off in the same way: "P.S. I Love You." Holly''s mother and best friends, Sharon and Denise, begin to worry that Gerry''s letters are keeping Holly tied to the past, but, in fact, each letter is pushing her further into a new future. With Gerry''s words as her guide, Holly embarks on a journey of rediscovery in a story about marriage, friendship and how a love so strong can turn the finality of death into new beginning for life.

Other then the movie THE NOTEBOOK, this is the next favourite of mine...it touches the heart and soul....
and so as per any typical girl, i imagined myself to be in in Holly's place....
oh GOd, i pray hard that i wouldnt wanna be in her shoes.
can i watch it again?

pass exam ah

2008-02-21T08:53:00.002+08:00

yey yey!!!!!!!!!!!!

I passed my practicum....best lah gitu.....now whats left is the folder to be submitted....2weeks given to compile the folder....and not forgetting the research....part ni menyampah sgt....
but oh well.....once done means yippee yey yey.....

i think i can hear the tiger ah meng cheetah calling me....

morning

2008-02-19T07:43:00.002+08:00

Good Morning to myself....

I am kinda scared right now...*breathe in breath out* fuh......

Hopefully everything goes well for the practicum.

fuming

2008-02-18T21:40:00.002+08:00

NoW im at the internet cafe near my school. And it is 9.41om as i am typing this entry. HOw GREAT right? *snorts*
I may fall asleep anytime soon but oh well destiny said i must be here to complete my schoolwork.

And yeah i NEED to say this. I am STRESSED. I am PRESSURED! With all the upcoming assignments in school plus the one at work. Though it is only a moment of weeks i will finishing the course, i am seriously not having it easy alright.

Like now, i am fuming mad. My love is supposedly to be here beside me to cheer me up alright. *turn my head left and right* all i see are chairs and weird strangers. Awesome huh....*snorts again* To whatever the circumstances is, i dont like it. i just dont.

You know the meaning of moral support? the meaning of cracking jokes and humoring? the beautiful smile that i need to see badly? your presence? your trying to 'agitate' me? the need to talk to somebody? and the upmost important is that i misses you?

I have no desire to know whether you are aware off all this. Like seriously. period. keep the ans to urself.

urrghhhh....

sweetpie, sorry for the grumbling. but oh well, thanx for the listening ear anyway aite. i love you sweetz.

gosh

2008-02-16T23:07:00.002+08:00

ouch.

my love is sick.

must be the aint enough sleep and rest.

There goes our weekend. Dont blame him though. Its not as if he wants to be sick ryte?

OH how Understanding~....

He must have misses me freaking damn lotz since he travels all the way to my house just to visit the doctor with me as a company. Much as he made the right decision to pay the doctor a visit, i dn feel happy about it. No im not trying to let him suffer. BUt the visit alone cost us a pathetic or rather a drastic $69 bucks. Now tell me wont your heart ache and the pocket hurts? What im trying to say is THE PRIVATE CLINIC IS FRIGGIN EXPENSIVE> irritating sey. sikit punya chicken mcnugget.

on the other hand, it hurtz me to see him so restless and weakly. my love, please get well soon dear. and i promise to get on your nerves again. and i will make you laugh with my 1001 facial expressions.

wanna be motivated

2008-02-16T16:22:00.004+08:00

my love has been working vy hard 4 the past few days. me? of cox has been the good gal throughout. tak caya gitu....selalunya merengek2....haha....*pats my back*

anyway, my time wo him wasnt spent aimlessly. The reason is because i have been so occupied with school work..mcm faham ehz. asignment is gonna be due soon i guess. and i hate the part whereby its not individual asign. sometimes i just cant fathom whats on the mind of others. ist that diff to accept even a tiny weeny bits of views from your group memberz? i think my blood pressure will shoot up if i keep on with this topic. ok stop!! watever lahz....

Vday wasnt celebrated cox i dn feel i should. Dosa kanz? hmmm.....ustazah kata 'kalau was2 jgn buat' so i shall bear that in mind lorz....

oh yahz....i have been thinking abt one main thing, MONEY!!!

yes i have bold it. MONEY!

i wonder how on earth im gonna afford to buy a house when i REALLYdecide to be a MRS. The price of a house (which is nt even a dream hse or sth) make me wanna jump off from the building....and i am not kidding.
What if one day i decide not to work after i get married? Wouldnt that means the husband gotta bear all the load? Masya' Allah....

I, for one wouldn't wanna see him bearing all the burden. No way....Since we are talking about equal priority and stuff, so i see it a must that the load of bills, payments, loans etc be shared...if not equally, then maybe 1/3?

Sad to say, gone are the days where woman are purely supported by men be whatever aspects it is. This is the truth isnt it. There are even cases men are supported by the woman. This IS sungguh Dayus. I would love to help or term it share the load with the condition that my would be husband dn show signs and symptoms of plain ass waiting to be killed. simple terms means lazy to work. Which is why it is very very important that we keep on upgrading ourselves.

oh my...please be motivated...chiayoh....He need me. I need me. We need me.

dont give up on setbacks and turbulences.

like what you have always say believe, : THINK POSITIVE!

urghhhh

2008-02-14T21:01:00.000+08:00

freak it....

the flubug has hit me....

i hate it.

garbage..

2008-02-12T08:57:00.000+08:00

Sesungguhnya 3 budak itu adalah sampah masyarakat....eeee...teramat malu.....

in simple english term i would say, garbage from the society....

vulgarities was spouted out frm their smelly mouth like the choo choo train....moronic creatures....

she is....

2008-02-10T12:34:00.000+08:00

She is my sweetpie.

The girlfriend.

i cross path and i realise

2008-02-09T22:54:00.000+08:00

met an old classmate cum closefren of mine. She has no idea how happy i was.
I was all smiles.
Truth to be told, i miss her company lotz. Serious.

I dn really fancy my sec sch days other then the quality time spent i had with my closest frenz and gossiping plus daydreaming.And She was there right from the start. As time passed, we drifted and drifted. There are times when i feel so lost and confused and her name came to mind. I guess i miss the way she would lend a listening ear and just listen to my rantings,grumblings, etc. oh how i miss her so....

When i reflect on our friendship, i feel ashamed to say that i have done my part as a friend to her.

But i am so ever thankful to HIM above for crossing our path again.

I will have to make things right. Do my part as a fren. and one fine day, just one fine day, i hope she will see that im a better fren then before.

dearest fren,

i love you dear. i seriously do. tho it has been ages ever since we sit and chat or even just say hi to each other, i have never erase our friendship or the memories we had. wish you well and hope to see ya soon.

Slowly, and ever so slowly, i realised the meaning of true friendship. i hope its not too late.

suddenly, i was all smiles....

2008-02-09T04:01:00.000+08:00

a warm smile was what it takes to melt the heart.
earlier on, those around me could hear me ramble and grumble.
contradicting?

anyhoo, off we went to Must ctr. wrong move i must say. anyway, chanced upon fana...and my mister went...

him: biar betul tu fana?
me : ye lah fana....
him : lah...dat time lain skg lain....nampak tua sey....
me : *pinch him*

ps fana: jgn marah ehz....gurauan bersenda....but indeed u look different.....

ltr on i was playing dota. DOTA? yes!....strange?
not so....i tink all it takes is determination to understand the game....its a strategy game...and knowing myself jolly 2 well, im not a strategy kinda person....haha....but refreshing indeed for the mind....

i m craving for ayam penyet....

confused

2008-02-08T13:29:00.000+08:00

i miss typing out my thoughts.....
i have yet to learn more abt how this blogger thingy works best. Till then i guess it would be a plain simple layout.

this question came to mind: " will you give up Ething or Anything for me? "

is there any right ans? what if the qns were directed to me?

what if i were to give up my dreamz for the sake of love?

Sumhow, im sure to have mixed feelings if someone were to give up sth dearest or valuable for me. will he/she be happy then?

to what extend should i sacrifice?