Its been a while....yours truly life has changed 360 degrees...work, relationship, family, personal...:( at this right moment, sadness is the only word that i can think of. :(
Oh Allah....please guide me with strength.....guide me to your path....the test that you are bestowing me is making me crumble....yet at the corner of my lil heart i know these tests i am facing is your gift for me....
Silently, i made a wish every night i could run away from whatever i m facing. Run as far as i could...Just vanish from my own zone....I do not want to face the hideous creatures at work. I am scared...I do not want to carry the responsibility of an eldest daughter...its tiring... I do not want to live her in Singapore anymore....I am surrounded with fake humans and environment. I wanna run away from US. Cos its hurting freaking much.....the emotion turmoil that is engulfing me is beyond description. Carry me away oh Allah to your holy land....Leave me there.....Allow me to cleanse myself....
His words scares me...make me drop still on the ground....all these years of love feels as if its fake...:'( are you giving me your hints and clue ya Allah...cos indeed im clueless...The sandcastles i built in the air throughout the years goes POOF and disappear the moment he pour out his feelings....oh Allah....if he is the one for me, guide me will all the strength to fight for this love.....if he is meant for someone else, guide me will all the strength to let him go...no matter how much i want us, YOU know best ya ALLAH. I am suppressed with all these strong emotions that i feel suffocated....Much as i MISS him, i MISS YOU more ya ALLAH....loads MORE.......
dear, i pray and hope we are meant for each other....i luv ya..but maybe u deserve better....:'(
Been ages and life has been in a roller coaster ride emotionally. Crying is no longer a solution. Have been stuck in the exact same situation since 2 plus years ago. No longer knows what to hope, expect, plan.....
Sometimes, i wish i have the courage to end things. That i have the bravery of a knight to storm my way out of situation. Instead, i accept what comes my way good or bad looking as if i am perfectly fine. Helpless.
Slowly, we are fading.. Wilting and not blooming.
" I strong feel you are pushing me away. That hurts me more...."
There are times when i want to ask WHY. The many why that is running thru my mind. I want to question all the things that has happen and had happen without me expecting. Every single time i will be overwhelmed with strong emotions and even feel that life is unfair to me. Very unfair indeed. I did things i am not supposed to do or rather i should abstain from doing. Sometimes i feel i am goin crazy and i will use an imaginary barricade to block myself from having any contact with human beings. I wonder what is happening to me. It can't be menopause cos i am not at that stage, yet. It couldnt be PMS either. I worry abt death that may come any time. About when i am going to be the expected muslimah that i should have been. About work. About how long do i need to endure this relationship. About why he hasnt come to his senses yet. About being left on the shelf when i am supposed to be married. and the list goes on. I fear of going to the doc to have a check up to see if my body system is well and fine.
What is wrong with me??
BUt deep down, i know what ever that is happening are all test from HIM the almighty. It is just being the imperfect human that i am, i fall into the trap of syaitans callings.
There are times when i want to leave everything behind and start a new life a new journey. But every single time i fail to do so.
"I wouldn't say i am not waiting for your call. I am not hoping for it too. When you did call, you asked about whether i made have made payment and i answered truthfully that i have done it.
That was our conversation. Nothing more. How boring. I wish you would ask more though.
I didn't bother to ask your whereabouts. Usually, i would. I have no idea why i didn't. "
The more i chased for it, the more its runs away from me.
I learn not to hope.
I learn not to expect. but i can't help it. I like to plan which in turn make me expect things. MOst of the time, things that i hope for, doesnt turn out. why do i still hope then? and i wonder why.
I have always loved weekends. DIdnt get to meet my loverboy as he had his reservist duties. And so he planned to meet me on Sunday. yes He was the one planning. It is so rare that he will do the planning or the one initiating to do so. I was happy of course when he said so but deep within i tell myself not to hope so much. Sometimes we plan but somewhere along the way many things happen.
But oh well happy i was that it happen. We met and it was one of the SWEET-est day. He was being the friggin sweet boy with his endless teasings, making me laugh, hugging me so closely and whispering in my ear telling me his duties for the past few days and so on........
Thinking about it, just make me feel like a happy girl who have just fallen in love.
6 years ago, it was the same guy who make my heart skips a beat and it was the same guy who make me feel so determined to fight for the love throughout all these years. It hasnt be a bed of roses cos we stumble upon issues and matters which makes us cry in despair. Despite that, i will still find myself to return to his side and walking hand in hand with him.
I pray to Allah if he is the one for me, give me the strength and will to fight for it. Thank You Allah.
Its been a while....yours truly life has changed 360 degrees...work, relationship, family, personal...:( at this right moment, sadness is the only word that i can think of. :(
Oh Allah....please guide me with strength.....guide me to your path....the test that you are bestowing me is making me crumble....yet at the corner of my lil heart i know these tests i am facing is your gift for me....
Silently, i made a wish every night i could run away from whatever i m facing. Run as far as i could...Just vanish from my own zone....I do not want to face the hideous creatures at work. I am scared...I do not want to carry the responsibility of an eldest daughter...its tiring... I do not want to live her in Singapore anymore....I am surrounded with fake humans and environment. I wanna run away from US. Cos its hurting freaking much.....the emotion turmoil that is engulfing me is beyond description. Carry me away oh Allah to your holy land....Leave me there.....Allow me to cleanse myself....
His words scares me...make me drop still on the ground....all these years of love feels as if its fake...:'( are you giving me your hints and clue ya Allah...cos indeed im clueless...The sandcastles i built in the air throughout the years goes POOF and disappear the moment he pour out his feelings....oh Allah....if he is the one for me, guide me will all the strength to fight for this love.....if he is meant for someone else, guide me will all the strength to let him go...no matter how much i want us, YOU know best ya ALLAH. I am suppressed with all these strong emotions that i feel suffocated....Much as i MISS him, i MISS YOU more ya ALLAH....loads MORE.......
dear, i pray and hope we are meant for each other....i luv ya..but maybe u deserve better....:'(
Been ages and life has been in a roller coaster ride emotionally. Crying is no longer a solution. Have been stuck in the exact same situation since 2 plus years ago. No longer knows what to hope, expect, plan.....
Sometimes, i wish i have the courage to end things. That i have the bravery of a knight to storm my way out of situation. Instead, i accept what comes my way good or bad looking as if i am perfectly fine. Helpless.
Slowly, we are fading.. Wilting and not blooming.
" I strong feel you are pushing me away. That hurts me more...."
There are times when i want to ask WHY. The many why that is running thru my mind. I want to question all the things that has happen and had happen without me expecting. Every single time i will be overwhelmed with strong emotions and even feel that life is unfair to me. Very unfair indeed. I did things i am not supposed to do or rather i should abstain from doing. Sometimes i feel i am goin crazy and i will use an imaginary barricade to block myself from having any contact with human beings. I wonder what is happening to me. It can't be menopause cos i am not at that stage, yet. It couldnt be PMS either. I worry abt death that may come any time. About when i am going to be the expected muslimah that i should have been. About work. About how long do i need to endure this relationship. About why he hasnt come to his senses yet. About being left on the shelf when i am supposed to be married. and the list goes on. I fear of going to the doc to have a check up to see if my body system is well and fine.
What is wrong with me??
BUt deep down, i know what ever that is happening are all test from HIM the almighty. It is just being the imperfect human that i am, i fall into the trap of syaitans callings.
There are times when i want to leave everything behind and start a new life a new journey. But every single time i fail to do so.
"I wouldn't say i am not waiting for your call. I am not hoping for it too. When you did call, you asked about whether i made have made payment and i answered truthfully that i have done it.
That was our conversation. Nothing more. How boring. I wish you would ask more though.
I didn't bother to ask your whereabouts. Usually, i would. I have no idea why i didn't. "
The more i chased for it, the more its runs away from me.
I learn not to hope.
I learn not to expect. but i can't help it. I like to plan which in turn make me expect things. MOst of the time, things that i hope for, doesnt turn out. why do i still hope then? and i wonder why.
I have always loved weekends. DIdnt get to meet my loverboy as he had his reservist duties. And so he planned to meet me on Sunday. yes He was the one planning. It is so rare that he will do the planning or the one initiating to do so. I was happy of course when he said so but deep within i tell myself not to hope so much. Sometimes we plan but somewhere along the way many things happen.
But oh well happy i was that it happen. We met and it was one of the SWEET-est day. He was being the friggin sweet boy with his endless teasings, making me laugh, hugging me so closely and whispering in my ear telling me his duties for the past few days and so on........
Thinking about it, just make me feel like a happy girl who have just fallen in love.
6 years ago, it was the same guy who make my heart skips a beat and it was the same guy who make me feel so determined to fight for the love throughout all these years. It hasnt be a bed of roses cos we stumble upon issues and matters which makes us cry in despair. Despite that, i will still find myself to return to his side and walking hand in hand with him.
I pray to Allah if he is the one for me, give me the strength and will to fight for it. Thank You Allah.
the strong emotions
